A Special Place in Hell

Oh dear god. 
I start every post by apologising and saying I am too busy. Today shall be no different. In my defence, I have no laptop so it has become increasingly difficult to write. Yada yada yada. Very busy. Sexy London life and so on. I have almost living in London for a year. It will be a year in May. How incredible. It is easily the best decision I have ever made. However London does have some downsides. I literally have no patience yet. I appear to be always in a rush. I remember visiting London before I moved and seeing sprinting for tubes that arrive every 2 minutes. Is it really important being 2 minutes early or late? 

Turns out. It is. It is super important. 

There are 3 types of people who need to eradicated from the world. When I become King of London, these shall be the first 3 to go. My apologies if you are one of these people but it is your fault and I am not actually sorry. The world will be a better place without you. I appear to spend most of my life running for or on the tube so these people are tube related. 

3) The one who is Not Ready. 

You walk through the tube or train every single bloody day or you know that you will pass through some form of electronic ticket collection. Those who approach the beloved machine and do not have their ticket ready. They need to go. They stop right at the machine and search through their pockets. Have this done far in advance. We all now have to stand behind you as you go through last nights receipts. My next tube is not for 2 bloody minutes! I need to make this one!! 

2) Yer man who is sitting and stands up too early. 

You are sitting on a packed tube. I am already jealous and already not your biggest fan but good for you. The tube pulls out from the stop before yours. You stand up right away. WHY?! Why are you doing this?! There is no space for anyone to move. You start making your way to the door. Again, no space for anyone to move. You move straight towards the door. Once more, no space for anyone to move as no one has left this occupied space. I am getting off at the same stop as you but you insist on pushing past to be close to the door as we stop. Sit in your seat until the tube stops, people can get off, freeing up space for you to easily hop off. Goddammit do they need to go. 

1) Yer man or yer one who doesn’t hop off

If you are this person, I seriously hate you. You are the worst person in the world. You are standing by the tube door. You already have a terrible spot. The doors open and it is not your stop. So, you just stand there. In the middle of the bloody doorway so the rest of us need to climb around you. You are the worst. Just get off the train for a moment and let people out. 

Even writing this has raised my blood levels to an uneasy high. I am also writing this before my commute home so I will be like a bull in a china shop. However, in saying all of this. I may be on someone else’s list as I run part of the way home so I usually smell pretty awful on the tube. But at least I will hop off the tube in your bloody way. 

Keep it cool kids



Episode 2: The Cocaine Diaries, Weirdest Foods & Crocosaurus Cove

Episode 2: The Cocaine Diaries, Weirdest Foods & Crocosaurus Cove