Buenos Aires, Bam Margera and Blood

We were in Buenos Aires for almost 2 months so it will take some time to get through this but I believe in us. We can do this, reader. 

Boy oh boy. I was excited to see Buenos Aires. The vibe and atmosphere in the city is unreal. You have so much fun just walking around for the day. We spent so many hours just trawling through the streets. I will most certainly return one day. I shall start at the start. The beginning seems like a good place to begin. My first impression of Buenos Aires was, “Woof! It is cold. I am cold.” We were not in the baking heat that we grew accustomed to. We arrived a few days before Omar arrived so just hung around our hostel. The girls took this time to beautify themselves for the incoming male. I received no such attention when I was incoming. 

The hostel we stayed in was pretty cool. It was in Belgrano which is a very posh end of Buenos Aires. The hostel was basically owned by a pair of rich kids who turned a big house into a big hostel. It was mostly filled with their mates which was a bit annoying as they treated it quite poorly. Nobody cleaned up after themselves. Countless times we had to clean someone elses dishes to use them. This always really annoys me. You do not want to know the murderous things that go through my mind while cleaning dried rice off a pot. The hostel was easily the cheapest in BA so it was not too bad. We went to a house party hosted by one of the hostel owners. His house was absolutely amazing. It was a very fun party. They tried to rip us off on the purchasing of beer. We were not pleased about it and decided that we shall not be partaking in the drinking at the party. I would like to think that the host allowed us to drink for free (details are hazy) but we ended up drinking alot of their alcohol. Too much of their alcohol. 2/3’s of the group made quite the fools of ourselves at the party. Oh dear. I then became too embarrassed to engage with the people in the hostel again. Well, it was a combination of embarrassment and not being bothered. I feel the guys just wanted the girls and I was a drunken obstacle. They played their game very well. I was out of the way quite early. 

I ate a lot of bread in Buenos Aires. Like, loads. Full french baguettes.

Jesus, what an interesting fact. Omar arrived soon after that party and we became a 4 piece. We found an apartment and moved in for the month. Leah arrived shortly after and we all packed into the small apartment.

Me ruining the family picture. I still look the best. That bunch of mingers. have not used the word minger for quite some time. It felt good. I am going to call someone a minger tonight at some point.

Me ruining the family picture. I still look the best. That bunch of mingers. have not used the word minger for quite some time. It felt good. I am going to call someone a minger tonight at some point.

Having the apartment was brilliant and it was really fun negotiating life around Buenos Aires (going to school, using the subway, grocery shopping..) I find the most simple of things enjoyable in a different country. I am a well cultured man who is very deep. So, typically, one of my favorite things to do in BA was go out and get drunk with my 4 Irish friends. Buenos Aires has a pretty epic nightlife. Argentinians are mental though. In Ireland, I am stumbling home at 2.30am. In Argentina, you are only arriving to the club. You start drinking at around 12. It is madness. To be fair, Argentinians do not seem to drink as much though. I have quite a few tales to share with you from our time in Buenos Aires.

Myself, Omar and Leah often had class during the week so midweek partying was not often (plus we money was an issue. Always an issue) so partying was left to the weekends. We would often meet people who are constantly partying but a month in Buenos Aires is very different to a year in South America. Wow, captain obvious. I did find that difficult at times though. Thinking when you meet someone just on a brief holiday and being “Hmmm, I may not be partying enough.”. This thought process would often dissappear after glancing at the bank account followed by a glance at the calender. Perhaps one of our most infamous tales from South America occurred in a place known as “CLUB AMERICA”. 

This is a very well known gay club. We were unaware that it was a gay club at the time. So, me and Omar felt pretty awkward at the beginning. Classic case of straight guys surrounded by gay guys. “Watch your ass. They all want to have sex with us, bro.” 

It is no wonder the gays have so much sex. There is so little flirting or game playing. Just grabbing. I acted disgusted but I was totally a little flattered. 

Omar – I think this is a gay club

Brian – Why would you say that?

Omar – The sign says “South America’s biggest gay club”

This was our first clue that we may be in a gay club. When we entered and saw hundreds of scantily clad men dancing with each other, we became certain of our location. 

Now, it came down to this key moment. Do you cut your losses and try somewhere else? Or make the most of the evening? We decided to party like it is Gay 1999. 

80 peso in which is 13 euro roughly. This is very expensive by any standards. HOWEVER MY FRIENDS. Not only were there enough gays to shake a stick at inside but there was a free bar. With the amount of alcohol consumed, 13 euro for the night was a bargain. I never want access to a free bar again. 

We were easily the drunkest people ever. I fell into the same trap every time. In some guys ass. No, I jest. I would order two drinks at the bar and then be like, “Jesus, holding two drinks is a pain.”. So, I would down one drink. Realise that I have a free hand and then buy another one. This process was repeated throughout the night. 

Omar had quite a harrowing experience while there. Basically, Emma went MIA in the club so the remaining members of our crew had a meeting. We decided to split up, look for emma and return to this spot in 15 minutes. We all agreed. After we broke the huddle, I just walked out of the club and went home. Unsure where everyone else went. I doubt they know either. Omars quest to find Emma got very dark. He wrote an entry in my DREAM DIARY so I shall transcribe it in his words. 

“It was mental. So at this point, Emma is missing and has been missing for a good 6 hours. So on a search for Emma, I find myself patroling this area which the website describes as “a dark corner”. It was more like a dark cave. I’m looking around for her and a few guys are grabbing at me, no shame, but I don’t mind and keep looking. I look to my right, wow, that couple are really going at it. I look to my left. Oh shit. That couple are having sex. I look in any direction. Oh my god, everyone is riding! Oh what…that girl is getting spitroasted…..oh what…that girl is a transexual. OH HOLY WHAT?! There is a queue of guys waiting to do her next….oh wow…”

Oh lol. We all arrived safe and sound. No one is quite sure how. Myself and Leah’s cameras also got “stolen”. I say “stolen” because I was so drunk that I am sure I just asked someone to take a picture and just walked off. Some of the pictures on that were legendary. 

There was this hugely obese man (with his top off, naturally) dancing around the place. I thought for the LOL that I would dance with him. So, I stroll up and throw him my best moves (most likely the dice) and he looks at me with disgust. REJECTED!! Rejected by someone who I tried to dance with for comedic effect! Confidence grew back after the first pinch of my bottom on my stroll back. Messy, messy night but so much fun. 

We had another fairly epic night out in a club whose name I cannot remember. However, it was so bloody plush. So fancy. Far too out of our budget. Now, the girls can get guys to buy them drinks and stuff but me and Omar gotta fend for ourselves. Everyone was drinking champagne in this place. A can of Quilmes was 25 peso (Just under a fiver!) Too expensive for the budget we were on. Unfortunately the club was in the middle of nowhere so we couldnt just ditch it and head to the next place. A girl came up to me (mid bust-a-move) and said “Jackass!”. I was very confused. Surely my dance style did not warrant abuse from strangers. After threatening to kill her family, she explained herself. She was under the impression I was Bam Margera.

                                               Yeah, I do not see it either

                                               Yeah, I do not see it either

I explained that my entourage were very drunk. He laughed and made me a drink. Great stuff. This (unfortunately) was not the only time the Bam Margera card was played. A fine night. It was a club clearly for the wealthy youths in Buenos Aires. The Bam Margera card lured its ugly head again later on that week. We went to a club with a school chum of us, Leon. We drank with the girls in the apartment and got to the roxy in seperate taxis. The girls did not arrive. Turns out there are two Roxy’s. We were quite drunk and just assumed the girls had a change of heart and went somewhere else. This doesn’t make sense in retrospect but alcohol is a funny thing. I was in the mood for mischief. And mischief occurred. I get like this sometimes. I just want to have a mess and entertain myself. These nights usually end up in pulling a lady which is a pretty terrible representation of myself or the ladies that I go for. Full of alcohol and full of confidence I was ready to attack. FUN FACT:- “Full of Alcohol, Full of Confidence” was an emily song that we were writing before we broke up. 

So, the Bam Margera card was played. Basically, we just walked around asking for free drink claiming that we are from Jackass. It worked aswell, well I thought it worked. I got free booze so I suppose it did work. I went up to the bar and I was asking (or demanding) for free booze and the bar man got the manager. Woops. Perhaps I was out of my depth but the alcohol kept me afloat. I explained to him that MTV promised me free booze. He explained that “Kevin” from MTV always informs him of a celeb arriving. Snap. Potentially rumbled. POTENTIALLY. I said “Kevin” is sick and “Damien” is looking after us. The manager then informed me that “Kevin” was in earlier. RUMBLED. I stood staring blankly at him for a moment. Trying to work out my next move. My next move was to laugh and walk away. I am unsure if anyone actually believe that we were from Jackass. As at the end of the night, I told someone that I wasn’t actually Bam Margera and she said that she knew. I guess they enjoyed us telling our fibs. 

I was out of money so I decided it was time to go. I found Omar dancing to ACDC on his own and Leon asleep on a couch. Away we went. We arrived at our door step to find the girls sitting outside the apartment. They were not impressed. We had the majority of their money and the keys to the apartment so when they ran out of money (early in the night) and come home, they couldnt get in. I assumed that they went to a drum show, La Bomba instead and when I stumbled in the door, I asked, “How were the drums?” no doubt slurring my words. 

“We were not at the drums.” Emma responded through gritted teeth. The lesson we learnt from this experience? There are two Roxy’s in Buenos Aires and being a dickhead will get you laid. Go figure. 

After we split up from the girls (moved out of the apartment). They went north and we headed all over the place. We decided to return to Buenos Aires for my birthday and to sort out our bus to Patagonia. We decided to do a pub crawl on my birthday. Fun fun! We befriended two lovely girls from London in our room. Spending my 25th birthday with two 19 year olds did not help the feeling of getting old. I got free shots which was nice but THE EVENT occurred when we were in a club called Crobar. Good club if around the Buenos Aires area. I’ll be honest, I will love any club once it plays pop music. I prefer to sing crap songs then to dance. I can’t dance anyway. Except ironically. I am a fabulous ironic dancer. Myself and Mar went to get a drink at the bar. Some guy (looked about twelve) knocked over our drink. Now, I tell people it was his attitude after he knocked over the drink that made us so agro (he just shrugged) but in reality it was most likely that the drink was 25 peso and we were on a 100 peso daily budget. 

So, we asked him (quite aggressively) to replace the drink and he refused. It could have been because he was underage! He walked off and me and Omar were not impressed. His friend took me aside and told me to “Be careful”. I took no notice of this warning as I am pretty sure I have issued false threats like this in the past. What happened next. Mar knew better so I shall hand you back over to his entry

“You would think I would know more, but its a bit of a blur. I like how you phrase it, “we asked him to replace our drinks” More like, screaming the price of the drink in his face. Anyway, he was a total dickhead about it. Later that night, I see him again and I administer a vicious “dismissive tut” at him. Now, I could have sworn he was about six feet away when I did this, anyway, next thing I know, the guy hits me so many times, so fast, I can literally do nothing but wipe the blood away from my face. It won’t stop, at this point there is a circle of people formed. Brian thought I was involved in a dance off. I am obviously furious and go for him and his mates but he gets pulled away. I don’t know by who, but I get ushered into the medic room where I continue to swear blindly. Next thing I remember is the two girls trying to calm me down, which I sorta did as soon as I saw they were covered in my blood. I had came out and Brian formed a team of bouncers to find him. He was found and kicked out.”

Bam Margera was the theme of first two stories well blood is definately the theme of the above and the next one. Argentinians do not arrive at clubs until about 2 – 2.30am, so pre-drinking should not begin before 11. We started at 6pm so by the time we set foot in the club, it was about 8 hours. God. Disaster. We went to LA BOMBA.

La Bomba is absolutely brilliant. If in BA, it is a must. African style drum concert. Sometimes songs will include guitars, keyboards or vocals. Some of the stuff is brilliant. Good place to socialize and have a bit of a dance. This starts at 7.30. It was the girls we were with last night in South America so they wanted to go mental. Me and Omar…..I suppose we were still celebrating my birthday? Yeah. That must be it. The smell of weed in the place is pretty mad. We heard rumors of “special” brownies going around. I saw nothing of the sort.

I had “special” brownies in Amsterdam before. It was nothing to write home about….despite the fact that I am writing about it now. A girl I know ate brownies and slept for 30 hours. Fun sidenote. This blog has it all. The girls knew someone who could get free tickets. He brought 4 tickets for us all. Then the dick didnt give me or Omar tickets because he thought we were boyfriends and he wanted to hook up with the girls. Despite the fact that he went to the drum expo with a girl. He was also accompanied by an australian guy, Gus. Gus was cool. Not a whole lot to say about him but he was extremely positive (everything was amazing or brilliant) and he said the words “Higgeldy Piggeldy” which I found beyond hilarious. 

Anyway, we left the expo and headed back to the room for some drinking games and celine dion songs. They were brilliant girls now that I think about it. We formed a little group so easily. We arrived at the club. Unsure if I could even formulate sentences at this stage. I could certainly take pictures. Evidence. I need to stop supplying other with evidence of my lack of class. I say, while posting this is a blog. Sure, its a lesson learnt. 

Let us begin. I fell in glass and cut my hand open quite badly. Blood everywhere. No one noticed that I was spewing blood everywhere. For whatever reason, I then began to hug everyone. Still unaware I was bleeding nor was anyone else. Everyone woke up very confused as to why there was blood everywhere. Everyone just assumed it was Omar bleeding on everyone again. 

Big F.E.A.R. that next morning. 

That night I slept in my bed. Covering it with blood and shame. More so blood. But especially shame.

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