So, a dating website asked me to write a piece for their website. They said instead of money, I could get exposure, so I wrote this. And fair play, they published it.
"4 WAYS TO TELL IF YOUR DATE IS A PREHISTORIC SEA CREATURE"
It happened again. It happens to us all. We get too drunk at our friends wedding, start crying and soil ourselves. As we are dragged from the dance floor during “Roxanne” from our oldest and closest friends, after trying to make a move on one of the many taken men at the wedding.
“I might become a hooker like Roxanne. At least men will want to hang out with me!” – you awkwardly joke with the man you are trying to seduce. He has had considerably less to drink than you, and his partner is considerably a nicer person.
Ruth, the bride, decides that enough is enough and sets you up with one of her husbands work colleagues. Her husband, Jeff, doesn’t know the colleague very well, but who cares, you are desperate.
The wedding hangover finally leaves you and it is time to go on this date. You act nonchalant to your friends, but inside you are desperate to have this person’s, that you have never met, babies.
What to wear? Always opt for the revealing dress that is ten years old and looked great on you then, when you were considerably slimmer. This look is still easy to pull off. Just don’t eat anything that day, suck in and never sit down. NEVER.
You show up to the date, ready to mingle. You had a cheeky few shots of vodka beforehand, for courage and to make you appear more confident and interesting. Then, your date shows up and its that old chestnut, he is a prehistoric sea creature.
Now, I am a dating connoisseur, so I know all the signs, but if you haven’t been around the block as much as me, here are some tips to tell if your date is a prehistoric sea creature.
That smell. This is quite the giveaway.
Considering that he/she lives in the sea, they will smell quite fishy and salty. In their defence, you can’t shower underwater and sea water is different to shower water. So keep your “Why do they need a shower when they are surrounded by water?” argument to yourself.
Unfortunately, being from the prehistoric period, your date will have some fairly out of date opinions. In the prehistoric period, there were no women with jobs or foreigners, so expect some racist and misogynistic opinions. They also didn’t have restaurants, cars, electricity or buildings, so there is a really high chance that your date will be freaking the f**k out.
He/she is dead.
It is easily to be fooled by this sign. You may think that your date is a superb listener. They are just soaking up all your super interesting and hilarious stories. They’re not. They’re dead. It is from the prehistoric period. They don’t generally live this long. It is also a sea creature, so it cannot breath when out of the sea. I am actually interested how it even made it this far into your date.
It is clearly a prehistoric sea creature.
Are you stupid? Are you blind and lack a sense of smell or touch? A prehistoric sea creature is fairly easy to spot and is generally something that you shouldn’t go out to dinner with. However, you are on a date with something that can earn you some sweet cash. Grab your date and head to the pawn shop. See how much you can get for it. I traded in a Playstation a while ago and got £100 so, a prehistoric sea creature has to be at least…… £150?
And £150 is enough money to go to some random bar afterwards, drink yourself stupid and ultimately wake up alone. Again.