As I am encouraging you all to share your online dating nightmares or hilarious tales for a new podcast project, I feel it is only fair to share mine. You show me yours and I will show you mine.
I received the ultimate swipe. A small blonde Scandinavian. She was an incredible looking creature. After playing it cool for a few texts, I asked to see if she wanted to go for a casual drink. In my mind, I was already picking out destination weddings.
We went for Monday night drinks in the glorious Covent Garden.
We were chatting and getting along quite well. I was just happy to be out in public with this beacon of delight. I went to the bar to get us a drink and a guy asked me;
“Is she with you?”
“Yeah” - I said as if I wasn’t as shocked as him.
"Bloody fair play”
“Just another Monday, pal”
I didn’t say that but I wish i responded in a cooler way than I did. I cannot remember how I responded but I can imagine I awkwardly smiled and probably spilt a bit of my pint. Always wear dark clothes on a date for when you inevitably spill something on yourself.
It would be great to be quick witted and being able to speak like a true LAD to another LAD. Unfortunately, LAD BANTS is not in my repertoire of skills. For example, we had a very nice chap from Kerry deliver furniture to my new apartment. Lovely guy. He figured he would chat to us about London life.
"The women here are fierce hot, aren't they?"
Now, a simple nod and yes would suffice. Nothing else, Brian. Maybe throw in a "Jesus, you haven't seen half of it!".
But no, this is not how our hero responds. He digs deep, and comes out with;
A silence falls over the group. "Boiling", impressively, is one of the few words similar to "hot" that cannot be used appropriately when describing an attractive member of the opposite sex. Our Kerry friend, stared blankly at me, expecting me to joke about it but I stood staring back at him, confused what I said.
Anyway, this is not really related to the story but I just mainly want to brag and relive being in the company of the Queen of Scandinavia. Upon my return from the bar, I see my date chatting to another couple. I can only assume they were congratulating her in securing me on a date. No doubt.......
It appeared that this other couple were also on a Tinder date. My date was completely fine with discussing the Tinder situation with the others. The male was English and the female was Australian. Me and the other dude sat awkwardly as our dates discussed the struggles of the online dating world. The Australian revealed that she has a hotel booked and was planning on “Rogering the f**k” out of her date.
I specifically remember her using the term "Rogering the f**k". It really resonated with me. Rogering is such an odd term. A popular Australian term maybe? I never heard it on Neighbours anyway.
Myself and the male exchanged an awkward smile. How is one to respond to such a statement? The Australian, who obviously started drinking far earlier than us, then explained how she had handcuffs and a whip in her bag.
Myself and the male exchanged an awkward smile.
The male, who I am sure is dying for this interaction to end was in an unfortunate pickle. As this conversation now had my attention.
“Handcuffs and a whip?!” I lean forward. I am hooked and want more juicy details. She quickly flashes me the insides of the bag and I can see the shimmer from the handcuffs. She clearly gave them a good polish beforehand. Not enough people take enough pride in their fetish equipment nowadays. Back in my day…..
Now that I am fully invested in this other date, I can see the male feeling lost at sea. He was clearly a relatively shy chap who was just delighted to be getting the ride. However, this date was turning far more sinister, and fast. I think he was still delighted but would prefer if his date was a little more low key. The opportunity for her to be low key was well and truly gone as I was thirsty for details and kept asking a variety of questions. Unfortunately, they had to leave as she wanted to make the most of the hotel room. I give her my card and told her to please update me. Now that I think about it, my current date could have thought I was gaming this other girl and also concerned why I wanted to know so much. Curiosity, man. I cannot get enough of it. The rival Tinder date depart and our date goes on. Our date was great, but it was the next morning where our story ends.
The following morning, I receive a WhatsApp voice mail from some random number. Our date went on late into the evening and featured many drinks, so I completely forgot that I gave our fetish Tinderette my card. I would upload this voicemail for you all but I changed phone since then and the glorious data went with my previous phone. But, the voicemail went something like this;
“Hey Brian! It’s AUSTRALIA (that is not her name, I cannot remember her name. Australia would be a weird name. Especially for an Australian) from last night. So, I thought I would give you a quick update. Me and DATE had a great time. I am currently having breakfast and he is tied up on the bed. Say Hey….(I hear a male say “Hey” in the background)…so yeah, I hope you and the Scandinavian had a great time. She was gorgeous. Go you!”
I respond with a voicemail in floods of laughter and appreciate that she kept me in the loop.
Over the next few days, she began texting me more and more. Asking about how it went with my date and then making a joke saying;
“You need to find a girl who will tie you up ;”
I did not respond.