There are plenty of blogs writing about the weird and wonderful people that we go out with. Dating stories are often hilariously tragic, and it is usually the other person. Or is it? What if your date goes back to his/her friends and explains what a mental case you are! Obviously that never happens. You are perfect and a sane individual.
Well, I recently had a date where it dawned on me that right after the date ends, she will explain to her friends what creature she went on the date with. I met her on Once. An app that I have little love for. The idea is nice, they send you a match a day, and you chat away. However the instant gratification of Tinder, Happn and now Bumble leaves me with a small attention span. She was very attractive and we had good chat, so we opted to go for a drink. I had a fairly mental day in work. It was a day of client meetings and alcohol. I was meeting two different companies that we were trying to woo so I had to pretend that I was intelligent and interesting. It was draining. Then, I needed to do it all again on a date.
It is truly draining pretending to be a nice chap.
Five minutes before the date started, my older brother texted the family whatsapp group (which is usually reserved for pictures of the dog) and dropped the bomb that he and his wife are having a baby. WOAH! What amazing news. Startling, even. And I was startled.
I yelled “Holy Shit” in the bar that I was waiting in. Obviously, very excited and happy, but taken totally off guard. My date, of course, arrived at the moment that I had my hands on my head in shock.
Now that I think about it, I hope she didn’t think that my shocked reaction was upon seeing her. We hug and she sits down. I instantly start talking about the incoming arrival.
“Sorry, but I literally got THE biggest news”
She pretended to care about the person she doesn’t know’s brother incoming baby. Unfortunately much of the beginning of the date was me going;
“Oh my god. This is mental!”
She was explaining what it was like to scuba dive off the coast of Honduras (sounds amazing by the way) and I would cut across her with;
“Jesus, a baby!”
I have added this website to my online dating profile, in an attempt to appear interesting, and she did her research and checked out the website. Naturally, she wanted to talk about my gay porn experience . I walk her through my day. Again, naturally, she is shocked. It is a funny story and I explained other memorable podcast experiences, such as my day with a nudist or my interview with a vampire hunter.
It then dawns on me that we have been talking about gay porn for a while. I am unsure if this is the most seductive conversation. All my charm was used up in my client meetings so this poor girl was getting unadulterated and uncensored Collins. I tried to change the subject and talk about the beautiful beaches of Thailand but gay porn kept finding itself in the conversation. But by me. I would make weird jokes and references.
“The beaches in Thailand are just incredible”
“Yeah, they are amazing. Would make a great backdrop for a gay porn”
Our very patient and understanding date recently bought a place (who the f**k are all these adults?) and then I proceeded to try to sell her a couch. We had a couch in my current house that doesn’t fit through the door of my room. So, it is annoyingly placed in our narrow hallway. Completely not thinking that I was on a date with a very attractive and interesting woman, I started showing her pictures of the couch to wet her appetite. Bizarrely, she did not want the couch.
I couldn't shift this bloody couch for love nor money. It was a really nice couch, like.
She was nursing the f**k out of her red wine and when I was getting my second drink, she said that she was fine. You cannot judge her for wanting the eve to end. She appeared to be enjoying it but maybe the laughter was nervous laughter.
“I best laugh incase he gets his imagery friends like the Vampire Hunter after me”
I had the day off the next day (I was off to Manchester to watch United play) and I was meeting a friend afterwards so I got another drink. Probably another weird thing to do but whatever. Love makes us do funny things. The date ended very nicely. We had a hug both pretended that we would see each other again and went our separate ways.
I, obviously, tried to do one final pitch for the couch. She didn’t buy. I was not actually trying to sell her the couch, I was offering it for free. Still, nothing. Some people, eh? There are starving kids in Africa with no leather couches! I have this weird thing where I think I love rejection. It was fairly clear that she was not into my flow and that there was no real spark, she was lovely and gorgeous but you know, just wasn’t there, probably because we spoke about gay porn for 60% of the date but despite all this, and knowing this, I feel I need to offer a courtesy second drink.
She did not seem keen.
Maybe talk less about Gay porn.