The Science Behind My Tinder Profile

As I am encouraging you all to share your online dating nightmares or hilarious tales for a new podcast project, I feel it is only fair to share mine. You show me yours and I will show you mine. 

This post is very tongue in cheek. Please don't take seriously. 

I shall not post the profiles of those that I match with on Tinder. Do not worry, Ladies. I know how you worry. I figure to begin the series of blogs about my online dating exploits, I best man up and post my profile. I hope this doesn't effect my Tinder pulling power. I have my website address in my bio but that is so I can gain some sweet extra traffic. Imagine how many people swipe past you a day? Think of the BRAND AWARENESS and other buzz words. There has been very little mention of Tinder on my website except about how my Tinder profile can help your business.

However, I have blogs on the site about the time I was almost in the Eurovision and my day in a gay porn studio. One more deterrent won't really matter. 

I would be interested in what people make of my profile. Any recommendations or tips are welcome.  A friend & I sat around and compared profiles recently. It is interesting how people think they should sell themselves. I thought my friend was drastically underselling herself and she thought I was gross. So, I was on the mark, obviously. 

So, let us begin. 

THE BIO: Let us start with the most important bit, the bio. Come on guys, let's not be shallow. We can see right off the bat, the job title. It is a nice job title. It is a generous title. While I sound super impressive, I actually work for a very small company. An awesome company who do magic things, but still small. She doesn't need to know that. 

"How many people do you manage?" 

"Between 2 - 300"

Phrasing is everything. I am not technically lying. The amount of people I manage does fall in between those two numbers. By saying "two to three hundred", emphasis is on the HUNDRED. And it leaves it open for it potentially be two hundred. Which, obviously I do not nearly manage that many.  The job title also insinuates that I am a baller. I am not. At all. And I am fairly cheap.

One at a time, ladies. 

I added my website. Controversial, considering what is on my website, especially with this new dating content. But we may change it. A super nice and hella cute girl commented on how much she liked my podcasts after conducting the necessary research following our match. This will be awkward if she sees this as I think I am seeing her soon. Hopefully she assumes that tonnes of females compliment my blog and podcasts. Maybe they do?

They don't. 

Anyway, we also mention that I am Irish. Being Irish has certainly been a benefit in my dating experience. I include my love for Travel. Because, well, I am obsessed with travel. RE: All my travel blogs. I do not crave a relationship or anything, but the worst thing about being single is holidays. When you get to my age, everyone is in a bloody relationship, so finding people to go away with you, can be tricky. I mention how I am always laughing and that I do not partake in Kareoke as much as I would like to. These are true facts. And I feel necessary to insert. When pitching to new clients, I always to end on a joke. My pitching to women is no different. 

I think that is a pretty funny way to end it. So, we have them with our wonderful words. How will we visually captivate our victims.....DATES.....dates! How will we visually captive our dates? 

EXIHIBIT A:

Oh Collins, you old dog. A strong start. Smiley but professional. Black and white is also slimming. Good stubble / beard. You have their attention. This article is getting weird, I am just beginning to compliment myself. But come on, that is a good opener. 

EXIHIBIT B:

I am not 100% about this one. I think it is a great snap but you cannot actually see me in it. Will people also think that is me with my ex-girlfriend? It is not, btw. One of my closest compatriots. I am also unable to jump like that anymore now that I am older. I am also fatter. Is my jump camp? We are over thinking this now. The picture was taken in Paraguay in a very remote area called Villa Florida. 

EXHIBIT C:

This is what I actually look like. You have to let your poor victim....DATE....christ, I keep making that error. You have to let your date know what you actually look like. I tend to be more bearded than that usually but that is me. I am also tremendously hungover in this picture. If you look around my mouth, we can also see I did a horrendous job of shaving that morning. Goddamnit Collins. Some "almost goattee" thing going on. The big redeeming feature of this picture is that I am standing beside my friend who is shorter than I am. This gives the impression that I am as tall as a mighty oak. 

EXHIBIT D:

Hahaha, yes I know. I know. I probably should get rid of this picture because it is so cheap. We all know what I am trying to do here. I just am unable to remove the picture because it is too funny to show people when the topic of Tinder comes up. Everyone always has the same reaction. I am sorry, even if it is detrimental to my love life and cheap, it is too funny. In my defence, I worked in a Cambodian orphanage for a few months ages ago and I did absolutely adore it. These were my favourite class. I will be honest, I didn't teach the that much english but we played a tonne of football. 

EXHIBIT E:

No huge science or funny story behind this one but it is just a recent picture of me with a beard. I look like I am about to say something hilarious, and I undoubtably did. 

EXHIBIT F:

Sunglasses?!?! HEY COOL DUDE! And where abouts are you? What a world traveller you are and clearly super cool. 

That is the message that I wish to portray from this image. And I think this objective is clearly attained. 

I am still culminating online dating nightmares for a new podcast project, so please get in touch and share any you have!