The title says it all.
As I am encouraging you all to share your online dating nightmares or hilarious tales for a new podcast project, I feel it is only fair to share mine. You show me yours and I will show you mine.
It was a beautiful sunny Sunday. I had been texting another Tinderette for a while and we opted to go for some early Sunday drinks. Great job. Unfortunately, I had quite a big night the previous night. And I was feeling QUITE tender. I cannot necessarily remember what the night entailed of but I remember roughly ending up in The Dolphin in Hackney. For those of you who know The Dolphin, know what that entails. It entails plenty of alcohol and not plenty of sleep.
I was desperately trying to fill myself with food and rise above the crippling pain of my hangover. Our Tinderette, a gorgeous blonde Canadian kept texting me saying that we should move the date forward to maximise the sun. I completely understood her desire to catch the rays, but I feel she did not understand what a post Dolphin hangover is capable of. Like a true hero, I pulled it together and threw myself into the shower. Inside, I was dying, but outside, I looked fabulous. I tend to be an odd beast when it comes to being hungover. There are two types of hangover Brian.
A) Lying motionless awaiting the sweet release of death
B) Crazy talkative….like, will not shut up
If I did not have a date, I believe option A would be my destiny, but I needed to pull it together and B came out to play. Unfortunately, I literally could not shut up. I explained to our date that I was extremely hungover and when hungover, I talk, too much. It is not the worst thing for a date as there will be no awkward silences. In fact, there will barely be gaps between words. She thought that I was super nervous. I assured her that I wasn’t. If I was nervous, it was merely nerves about this hangover potentially killing me. We did a mini pub crawl in the sun in the lovely North London. It was very enjoyable and my hangover slowly seemed to fade. Obviously, it only faded because I was in the process of getting drunk again.
The more drinks that were consumed, the more…..honest…..I guess, she was getting.
“I want kids”
“No, obviously not but I want you to know that I want kids”
Not entirely sure what to do with this information, so I smiled and nodded. Ideally, I would like to have kids at some point but i do not really wish to discuss it on a first date. Weirdly, the kids thing came up a few more times. She was lovely and very easy on the eyes so I was happy to listen to what she will call all her kids. We were getting along swimmingly and I was allowing her to speak more, which is a treat, for her.
“Can I ask you a personal question?” - She asks.
“Yeah, go for it”
“Have you ever been with a man?”
She looked me dead in the eyes at this point. She wasn’t joking or anything. Dead serious.
“No of course not! Why would you say that?” - I laughed it off. Many people have thought I may have been gay in the past. But this is the first time it happened on a first date. Good to get it out of the way.
“Are you sure?” - still, dead serious.
“No…..I haven’t been with a dude before”
“I think you are maybe gay”
I just started laughing. I didn’t really know how to respond. No joke, she continued to grill me for a further 15 minutes about it. She had a completely straight face throughout and appeared to be almost concerned that I was not being true to myself. We continued back and forth for a bit before she said;
“Whatever, I do still think you are gay by the way”
Haha, ok sweet. Weirdly, that is when she went for a kiss. What a truly perplexing moment. Still, when a hot blonde makes a move, even if she was certain that you were gay, you still have to go for it. Afterwards, I made a joke about how she kisses like my last boyfriend.
There was no laughter.
I wish my writing was good enough to properly explain how she was looking at me. The closest thing that I can compare it to is when a dog does something bold. At first, you are annoyed with it but then realise that it is a stupid dog and it doesn’t know any better.
The date was running on and it was a school night so we opted to call it a night. We made plans to hang out again and go to the cinema in Notting Hill. Despite it being a fairly odd date at times with babies and being accused of being gay, she was super attractive, very nice and I am shallow and clearly have a thing for crazy women, so I was more than happy to see her again.
I texted her asking were we still on for the cinema trip a few days later. She wasn’t available. Nor did she appear to be particularly arsed to make herself available.
I guess she didn’t believe me that I wasn’t gay.